“I’m 35 and I Feel Like a Shell of a Person” - My Response as a Coach and Someone Who’s Been There Too
Reading those words on the page was like a punch to the gut. I read on with my head held between my hands…
“I don’t know who I am, and at the same time, I dislike who I am and how I act.”
“I’ve spent my life molding myself to please those around me, seeking their approval, trying to make them laugh…”
Substack had recommended that I read this submission to Ask Polly from The Eldest and Saddest Daughter, and – oh boy – it was like reading something taken out of my journal. I had to stop for a moment and think… Did I submit something to Ask Polly in my sleep?
I mean, I’m not the eldest daughter…but I might be (or have been) the saddest daughter…?
No, this submission to Ask Polly didn’t come from me, but it may as well have. Despite the fact that Eldest and Saddest Daughter has been living a life completely different from mine, the similarities in our lived experiences are shocking.
Some of the things she shared in her submission resonated so strongly with me that I got chills. I want to put some of those things here in her words, because she says it best:
“...[I’m] unable to live according to my values (whatever they are), and feeling disgusted with myself.”
“Growing up, I had undiagnosed ADHD and what I now recognize as depression…”
“I feel developmentally, emotionally, and professionally behind.”
“I want to be more openhearted, curious about the world, disciplined, and have better relationships with myself and others.”
“I want to dedicate myself to something, to feel passionate about anything other than the opinions of others and whether or not they like me.”
“...my tendency to please others has led to me not knowing myself or what I want [in life].”
“...I don’t feel like I am living a big enough life.”
“Everything feels impossible and I give up so easily. I am frozen, afraid of failure, of success, of expectations.”
Eldest and Saddest Daughter goes on to talk a little bit about her childhood:
She describes that grades and achievements were the measurement of her worth in the eyes of her father. (But that struggling with ADHD and depression made it hard for her to live up to his expectations.) She shared that her father was constantly comparing her to others, and would give her the silent treatment for weeks when she inevitably brought home bad grades.
This experience has led to her struggling with low self-esteem, an “anxiety and deep fear of ‘getting in trouble,’ particularly with men”, being highly critical of herself and others, and a lack of confidence. All the while, she’s also carrying around anger and resentment, particularly towards her father for his treatment of her, and her mother and sister.
In her submission, Eldest and Saddest Daughter wonders “Am I too old to still be affected by this?”
That honest question coming out in her submission is possibly the biggest reason that I felt called to write a blog post response to her.
In this post, I’m going to talk about one potential source of Eldest and Saddest Daughter’s pain, and I’m going to talk about some tangible solutions she could use to start to love and take care of that person in the mirror.
There’s a lot to unpack here - let’s get into it.
What is Childhood Emotional Neglect
When I saw Eldest and Saddest Daughter talking about feeling like a shell of a person, the fact that she’s spent her life focused on pleasing the people around her, plus her description of her childhood experience with her father – it instantly made me think that she probably experienced childhood emotional neglect.
If you’re not familiar, the term “childhood emotional neglect” describes an experience in childhood where you didn’t get emotional nourishment or guidance from your parents. You were probably cared for physically by your parents (think, food, clothes, shelter, etc.), but you weren’t cared for emotionally.
This term was coined by Dr. Jonice Webb, and she gives an amazing description of it in her book Running on Empty. Her book is actually something I came across during my late-night Googling, during my what-is-wrong-with-me-and-why-do-I-feel-so-empty era.
According to Dr. Webb, if you experienced childhood emotional neglect, as an adult you probably:
Feel you have not met your potential in life
Secretly feel like you’re a fraud
Tend to feel uncomfortable in social situations
Often feel disappointed with yourself
Compare yourself to others and find yourself lacking
Have trouble knowing what you’re feeling
Secretly feel like there’s something wrong with you
Struggle with self-discipline
(Among other things.)
These things come from Dr. Webb’s Childhood Emotional Neglect Questionnaire – which you can take here.
And it’s crazy, when I look back over what Eldest and Saddest Daughter had to say about her experience, so many things on that list show up in her words.
When I took Dr. Webb’s questionnaire a few years back…well, I have yet to find anything that describes my own experience in life so accurately.
I’m pretty sure I answered “yes” to almost everything on the list, but the things that have always felt the biggest to me are:
Having trouble knowing what I’m feeling
Feeling like I’m on the outside looking in
Feeling empty inside
And, secretly feeling like there’s something wrong with me
These things are really what drove me to learn more, work on myself, and eventually start my coaching business so I can help other women solve these same problems. The concept of childhood emotional neglect serves as a foundation in my coaching program – for me and my clients it’s like the key to unraveling everything else.
The biggest trouble with childhood emotional neglect is that it’s invisible. A lot of people who experienced it have no idea because it left no physical marks, and they’re likely to tell you that they had a good childhood. A lot of us blame ourselves for how we’re feeling because, “if our childhood was so great, we have no excuse to be feeling so terrible inside”. Almost like learned, self-directed emotional neglect…
The Narcissist Parent
In the book Running on Empty, Dr. Webb provides twelve categories of emotionally neglectful parents, and pairs them with short vignettes of experiences a child might have had with each one.
When I read Eldest and Saddest Daughter’s description of her father, it immediately made me think of The Narcissist Parent. She described that her father would give her the silent treatment for weeks if she brought home bad grades, and if he wasn’t giving the silent treatment he was yelling. She said that he was constantly comparing her to others. She said, “In a house where it felt like our worth was intertwined with our achievements, my lack of accomplishment has wreaked havoc on my self-esteem.”
It all just rang the Narcissist Parent bell pretty loudly. Dr. Webb summarizes these parents as holding grudges, banishing people to the doghouse, often judging others and finding them lacking.
People-Pleasing
One of the big things Eldest and Saddest Daughter kept coming back to was her struggle with people-pleasing. It had led to her not even knowing who she really was on the inside or what she wanted out of life.
I used to struggle so hard with people-pleasing. It was at the point where in any social situation, I’d just morph into whatever the other person would like best. I was living my entire life behind a mask, just trying to make everyone else happy. Through this process of learning and growth, I’ve become able to take that mask off and be my real self ~in public~.
People like Eldest and Saddest Daughter and I struggle with people-pleasing as adults because as children we used it as a highly effective strategy to keep our parents from abandoning us. No, we were probably not on the verge of abandonment. But, having parents who are not emotionally connected to you creates a lot of fear for a small child. If your parents aren’t emotionally attached to you, what’s to stop them from ceasing to feed and shelter you?
People-pleasing is a natural response to that fear for a child. But the unfortunate thing is that the stuff you learn as a child gets waaay down into your subconscious. And, unless you identify it, learn about it, and do the work to course correct, it’s likely to stay there forever.
A lot of people think that people-pleasing is a character flaw.
On time, I was listening to a personal development “guru’s” podcast where they were doing Q&A. And someone asked how to stop people-pleasing…
You know what they said?
They told her to just stop doing it. “Just knock it off - you’ll never be happy if you don’t stop doing that right now.” And then I’m there driving down the road hearing them say this on the podcast screaming “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!” in my car.
This brings me back to Eldest and Saddest Daughter’s heart-breaking question: “Am I too old to still be affected by this?”
My answer? Absolutely not.
Struggling with childhood emotional neglect and people-pleasing comes from a deep, subconscious level. The experiences you had as a child make up who you are as an adult, because before you hit puberty your subconscious is “accessible” by the physical realm.
You are never too old to still be dealing with the crap you experienced early in life.
But you are also never too old to start working through it, learning about what’s causing your pain, and start sorting things out.
It’s easy for people who haven’t struggled with these things to tell you that “everyone struggles” and that “it’s normal”. Or possibly even that being this complex, mixed up, in pain person is what makes you interesting.
I’m here because I think it’s time we take a stand – this isn’t normal, your struggle is unique, and your complex and painful backstory isn’t what makes you an interesting person. This kind of sentiment can lead you to continue to shove down your pain, when in reality there are very tangible methods you can use to cope with and grow from that painful backstory.
Life is not supposed to be painful. Solving your pain is what will open doors for you to be able to create the life that you dream about.
I truly believe that when humans are healthy, happy, and whole, they go out in the world and seek to make it a better place, to help others, and to spread love.
So many women have big dreams of living a beautiful life and contributing something meaningful to the world – but they’re held back because of a burden of pain from their backstory.
This is why I started my business – to help more women feel more healthy, happy, and whole so that they can go out and make the world a more beautiful place.
A Quick Note on Resentment
It’s easy to get super resentful toward your parents once you realize you experienced childhood emotional neglect.
But here’s the thing: living in a state of resentment doesn’t help you grow and move forward. Resentment does not create a happy life.
Every parent is just working with what they’ve got. Your parent has had a litany of life experiences that have made them who they are. They probably experienced childhood emotional neglect themselves – which left them in a position of not knowing how to emotionally care for you.
This understanding can actually be really helpful on your journey – you can start to see your parent in a new light and understand how the experiences of their childhood come out today. Use them as a mirror for yourself.
Forgiveness is important here – if you focus on that resentment and keep it in your heart, you won’t be able to properly move forward.
This gives you the opportunity to break the generational cycle of emotional neglect.
Next Steps
Eldest and Saddest Daughter talked about how she didn’t feel like she was living a big enough life. She said:
“I want to be more open-hearted, curious about the world, disciplined, and have better relationships with myself and others. I admire those who dedicate themselves to solving problems and developing ideas. I want to dedicate myself to something, to feel passionate about anything other than the opinions of others and whether or not they like me.”
At the end of her post, she talked about how she was starting to give up hope. She said, “Maybe I am okay with my quiet, mediocre life after all.”
Hold up for a second – the mere fact that Elest and Saddest Daughter went out of her way to share her story and seek out advice is like a giant neon sign blinking I WANT MORE OUT OF LIFE AND I DON’T WANNA GIVE UP.
But when you’re left to your own devices, with a backstory of childhood emotional neglect – you can end up feeling really trapped. It’s hard to find solutions because you’re so busy blaming everything on yourself.
This section is me yelling out into the ether: IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT. THERE REALLY ARE SOLUTIONS!
If I were Eldest and Saddest Daughter, this is how I would get started:
Go here and take the Childhood Emotional Neglect Questionnaire.
Go here or here or here and buy the book Running on Empty by Dr. Jonice Webb
Start working on finding out who you really are on the inside (not in the context of all the other humans). Download my free self-discovery workbook to get started on that here.
If you’re having a hard time working through things on your own (we CEN kids reeeally struggle with discipline) consider one-on-one coaching with me. My 12 week program is all about helping you solve this problem. Sign up for a discovery call here and we can chat about it.
You are 100% capable of working through this. On the other side of that work is the rich, deeply fulfilling life you’ve been dreaming about.
